is it “convenient” for me to say i’m black and want to be more apart of the black community when i was shunned by the white kids i grew up with? when i was called a nigger by a grown ass man in the mall when i was only 3 years old and in no way old enough to know what he meant or why he would say it?

if you’re reading this at some point in the future looking for receipts then listen up. this is the only time i’ll explain this.

i don’t want to be oppressed. it’s a terrible feeling and even if i was white, i’d already be messed with for being a lesbian. but i’m not so here we are.

you know what white people have done for me? they’ve made me hate myself. they’ve made me desperate to tame my “kinky” hair, made me sit in a bathtub at the age of 4 with a brill-o pad trying to scrub the color out of my skin, made me conscious of how i was bigger than the other kids my age. they stole my innocence when i was 6, made me more cynical than a kid should be, made me angry and had the audacity to ask me “why do you hate me so much?” after they tormented me for years.

i don’t want to be oppressed. i want a culture. i want a community. i want a place that i belong. 

so no, i’m not calling myself black for convenience. i’m not calling myself mixed to try and take anything away from anybody. i am what i am and i’m dealing with it, along with undoing the years of damage done to me by the people i was told were my “community” all this time.