i had a weird dream

that i talked to my ex

and she missed me? and we both apologized for what happened between us?

and then it morphed into my mom basically teasing me about all my special interests to the point that i stopped talking and cried but she kept doing it, even though she could see how upset i was and basically i’d like my brain to stop trying to convince me that the person who gaslighted me (and tried to turn it around and say i was gaslighting her) cares about me and that my mom is a fucking demon because both things are very untrue

i’d just like to live 

is it “convenient” for me to say i’m black and want to be more apart of the black community when i was shunned by the white kids i grew up with? when i was called a nigger by a grown ass man in the mall when i was only 3 years old and in no way old enough to know what he meant or why he would say it?

if you’re reading this at some point in the future looking for receipts then listen up. this is the only time i’ll explain this.

i don’t want to be oppressed. it’s a terrible feeling and even if i was white, i’d already be messed with for being a lesbian. but i’m not so here we are.

you know what white people have done for me? they’ve made me hate myself. they’ve made me desperate to tame my “kinky” hair, made me sit in a bathtub at the age of 4 with a brill-o pad trying to scrub the color out of my skin, made me conscious of how i was bigger than the other kids my age. they stole my innocence when i was 6, made me more cynical than a kid should be, made me angry and had the audacity to ask me “why do you hate me so much?” after they tormented me for years.

i don’t want to be oppressed. i want a culture. i want a community. i want a place that i belong. 

so no, i’m not calling myself black for convenience. i’m not calling myself mixed to try and take anything away from anybody. i am what i am and i’m dealing with it, along with undoing the years of damage done to me by the people i was told were my “community” all this time. 

me at 10: “i can’t be a lesbian because i’m taller than all the other girls and i want to be the shorter person in the relationship.”

me now: “10 year old me is the dumbest bitch i’ve ever met.”

i caught a bug yesterday and i didn’t start feeling it until today. and i found out a few ‘mates have been fronting when i was trying to sleep it off SO now my body aches 

so i’d like to say that my new stance of “i want you to be happy but if it’s not with me, i’m not gonna stick around and watch” is going fabulously and i have been crying a lot less? like not because i’m forcing myself not to. but because i actually don’t feel the need. i will keep doing this horribly selfish thing in the name of self care

i’m just trying to get an emulator so i can play the aa games and the fucking prereq installer is judging my shitty laptop like “running setup (and ordering it to attempt a repair because some of user’s dll’s are wrecked)” like fUCK YOU OKAY I KNOW THIS THING IS SHITTY I’M DOING MY BEST

i’m… happy that everyone has started saying that leo is “giving them the business” when he gives them his signature look. like. they hear what i’m saying even if what i’m saying is absolutely stupid and i feel so valid…

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i’m going to think about how i go about issues differently!

if there’s some discussion about oppression that doesn’t affect me, i’ll listen to the people talking that it does affect. i’ll try my best not to talk over them.

and i’ll do my damnedest to learn about the things that do directly affect me. it makes no sense that i would grow up in a racist, predominantly white town and tell myself that racism has nothing to do with me.  maybe because my mom, the only parent that raised me my whole life, is white and i’ve had little to no exposure to poc?

i’m going to change that. i don’t want to be whatever the fuck kind of mess i am right now. i want to learn and i want to not hate myself for something i can’t control and is in no way wrong.